Trailer Trash Holiday Tips (Part 1) and a Holly Jolly Contest to Boot!

In keeping with holiday tradition, we have made our first visit to the ER of the season. My daughter (as usual) has fallen ill just in time for the local Christmas parade. The parade is her personal specialty. She has a near perfect record, since the age of four when she got an ear infection on the night she was supposed to walk in the parade with her dance class. In the spirit of sibling rivalry, her younger brother has an equally impressive history of being sick for the holidays, a Christmas gift passed down from yours truly. I have been sick, injured, pregnant or taking care of  a sick child or two, ever since the fateful Christmas when I was partially eaten alive by a very large German Shepard at the age of three. So that is why this post is getting out a little late (again). We have been busy with family Christmas traditions, damn it! To make it up to you all I have devised an exciting Yuletide contest* (details below)! Anyway, while in the waiting room at the hospital, this past visit, I found several old holiday edition magazines. Luckily I had my “big bag” and was able to fit them all inside with no problem (Merry Christmas to me!) I have been reading the tips and advice on gift giving and special-moments-with-the-family making while my daughter has been hogging the laptop all week (because she’s sick and she broke her own laptop). There are some seriously cute ideas out there but the more I read the more I get the feeling that you’re supposed to have a shit load of cash to have an awesome Christmas! For instance, one article suggests “keeping extra wrapped gifts on hand, in case someone unexpected shows up”. It actually recommends “small boxes of Godiva chocolates because guests of all ages will be pleased with it”. Well, damn. I should hope so! While we’re at it, we should hand out Christmas cards with $1,000 bills inside to the people who clean our houses, breed our miniature horses and toil in our money gardens, Dahling. I mean, it’s a lovely idea. And I am totally doing shit like that when I get rich, but in the mean time, my holiday budget is based entirely around a couple of letters to Santa and if I’m able to chisel a nice little dent in those puppies, I will consider it a Holly Jolly Success! Luckily, I have come up with some happy holiday tips that anyone can use, even if you are broke (or half eaten)! I will be sharing these (Ho Ho Ho)w to’s over the course of several posts throughout December and will do my best to get each tip to you in the (st.) nick of time to actually be useful this year!

1. Do not be flattened by a white elephant stampede!!

The “white elephant exchange” originally meant “bring something you already have lying around that you don’t want or need” However, since this tradition sprang to life in the 90’s like the worlds most annoying Frosty the snowman….If Frosty were a many-headed hydra that would not fucking die, it has become synonymous with “crappy gift that you have to go buy for $5-$10″. Now you’re probably thinking, “that’s not too bad”! But between work, friends, family, church, clubs and other organizations for yourself, your husband and your kids, you might be doing 10-20 of these things (if you have a large family) in half a month! I suck at math, but even I can tell that’s like a fucking video game and a pair of skinny jeans off the old Santa lists! The solution is simple though, Just keep up with the gift you end up with after the first shin-dig and use it as your gift for the next one (lather and repeat). Be sure to wrap it up nicely each time and mix them around amongst the family. Instruct your kids ahead of time to not get attached and for gods sake not to open the damn thing (the packaging not the gift wrap, duh)! Convince them it’s the actual point of the game (your future children just need to be raised with this belief from the start)! Bonus points to anyone who can snag one in a cute bag that can be reused for an actual present later! Landing something that can be fobbed off on Aunt Peggy come Christmas day? TRIPLE HOME RUN TOUCH DOWN, BABY!

In my next post, I will tell you how to be truly gifted at re-gifting! I will be posting more than once a week between now and Christmas so I can get all the Holiday goodies in without making anyone’s ADD ache (hopefully).

*Now, for the Christmassy Contest I told you about!

You can win the festive, light-up, hand-made,”Do You See What I See?” holiday corsage from the pics below, by sharing this blog (particularly this post) on Facebook, Twitter or any of the other social media thingies (just click on the do-dad at the bottom of this post). Then leave a comment telling me you shared it, along with your name or whatever you want to be called. I will put all the names it a Santa hat a week from today and if I choose yours, I will let you know in a reply to your comment and we can work out how I can go about mailing it to you! It’s that easy! Even a misfit toy could do it!

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Bonus tip: One of the best ways to get into the holiday spirit is by wearing festive holiday clothes and accessories! Happy Holidays, Y’all! xoxoxox