It is nearly the end of the month and I cannot begin to tell you how excited I am that at last, the billions of tiny puncture wounds on my tender bits (I mean my lips and cheeks, gutter-brain…on my FACE! I am praying for y’all.) can finally begin to heal! My husband (Alex) has even agreed to shave off his dangerous chin needles a couple of days early! Heading off impetigo like a BOSS, you guys! I just want everyone to understand that I too have suffered in the name of Prostate and Testicular Cancer Awareness, because I am going to have to (regretfully) decline participation in the upcoming FANuHAIRy (which I would have called FebPUBEruary, but no one asked me) festivities, as I am already committed to scoring the BIG box of ‘Ferrero Roche’ on Valentines Day. Naturally, the angry feminist inside me is shaking her head in disapointment but I’m sorry. I’ve been planning this ever since last February, when I discovered it is entirely possible to survive on a diet of chocolate for an entire week, as long as you have enough chocolate. I mean, maybe, I could invest in some sparkly clips or combs, a little glitter…but no. I just can’t risk it, folks. I will celebrate JanuHAIRy instead. Who’s with me?
Speaking of things I will not be participating in this year, Happy Black Friday everyone! I should probably make it clear that I am not boycotting Black Friday because of any noble anti-materialism/consumerism reason, It is simply a matter of not having any money. Also I prefer the soothing, familiar buzz of caffeine and nicotine, to the rather harsher buzz of main-lined adrenaline. I tried it once, a few years ago, and just ended up getting my feelings hurt because of all the people yelling and crashing into me with their over-flowing hell carts. I remember ducking into an empty aisle (literally empty, except for a tumbleweed and a gnawed off human hand with Xbox packaging caked beneath its splintered nail nubs) to escape this particularly aggressive gang of librarian/church lady types. And as I stood there gasping for breath and attempting to staunch the bleeding, I happened to notice a slightly crushed and battered, “Sponge Bob Edition: Ants in The Pants”, wedged between layers of collapsed shelving. It was the closest I had managed to get to any of the sale items from the moment I’d gotten swept into the fray upon entering the shop and the taunts of “Get outta the way slow poke! And “Don’t you ‘excuse me’, me, Missy!” were still fresh in my mind when something inside me broke and I was all “I WILL NOT LEAVE THIS PLACE WITH NOTHING!” I didn’t care that it was on exactly no ones Christmas list that I knew or that it was somewhat mangled and not all that much of a bargain at $10. I pried it out of its prison of twisted metal, popped my collar and forced my way through the crowds, scrambling over the bodies of the fallen. At last, I got to the end of the queue where I passed the next two hours, casting smug glances at the losers who had to line up behind me. When I finally got to my car, I lit a Pall Mall with trembling hands and laughed like a maniac** before starting the hour-long drive home. Somewhere along the way, I experienced a world-class adrenaline crash and found myself unable to enjoy family game nights for months to come. I would probably do it again if it weren’t for the lack of funds though, because on second thought, that shit was kinda rad.
By the way, Thanksgiving was AWESOME this year. I have so much to be thankful for*! The food was delicious as usual. My dad and step-mom and youngest brother got to come down, even though they had originally said they wouldn’t be able to. We had some nice catching up and everyone was in a great mood. The family love was totally flowing at Casa de Good. Also everyone visibly relaxed when I announced that I didn’t really think any of them where assholes. The only person who did get a little assholey was the cat. As it turns out, turkey is like crack for cats. I hope all of you had a fantastic, asshole-free Thanksgiving as well!
I have a ton of Christmas themed posts lined up for December that I can’t wait to share with you guys! be sure to check in around the end of each week as I teach you how to get through the Holiday season on a real life budget. Not an “I’m so broke I’ll have to save my Starbucks cash to buy those designer shoes” budget. More of an “I’m so broke I’m thinking of learning to fashion some shoes from an old tire” budget. I have a ton of festive hobo tricks up the sleeve of this ugly sweater! We might even take a stroll down ‘Christmas Memory Lane’, with a special emphasis on yule-tide-near-death-experiences! We shall see, my friends. We. Shall. See.
Finally, as I’m sure you noticed already, I decided to keep the cussing’ in this particular post down to the barest of minimums in an effort to balance out the plethora of pubes in the first paragraph. That is called being classy, people. It’s a good first step in the right direction toward staying the hell off Santa’s naughty list, which is something I would totes recommend to anyone who can manage such a hefty undertaking. Honestly, I know it’s possible if we put our minds to it. I believe in you. If you fall short though, don’t beat yourself up. That’s why the baby Jesus made wine, so we can feel better about ourselves when we screw up. And on that note, I’m going dark (which is what Alex said to me when I told him about my glitter pubes idea. It means “I’m going to put on head phones and curl up in the fetal position facing away from you now, so please stop talking.”) ! Have an awesome December everyone! I’m sorry this post is getting out a little late. I will try to do better next time! Be there or be square!
* This morning after I finished eating some pecan pie for breakfast, my dad and step-mom came over and fricking GAVE me an SUV !!! (<- Officially the most posh sentence I have ever uttered that didn’t start with “The last time I went to England”) BEST.THANKSGIVING.EVER!!!!
**EDIT: After I posted this, the following conversation occurred with my niece on Facebook :
HER: ” and laughed maniacally.”
ME: no. like a maniac. maniacal laughter would have implied something much more sinister and mastermind-esque. I laughed exactly like a maniac. with drool and a hacking cough.
HER: Yep. I misread. I think maniacal is one of my fav words. …. or “cylindrical”
ME: it is nice, I wish i had laughed maniacally.