In less than a week, Americans across the country will be taking a short break from the assholes at work and school, to spend a bit of much-needed quality time with the assholes in their own families. Now, you might be thinking, “No sir! My family is 100% asshole free! We love the crap out of each other ’round here!” Ok, fine. Maybe that’s true. Maybe you live on “The Cosby Show”. Or maybe you’re the asshole in your family and you just don’t know it. But trust me. Every family has at least one asshole. And that, my friends, is okay. We should be thankful for our family’s assholes! Here’s why:
Maybe the asshole in your family is the snobby sister-in-law? The one who always brags about everything and is pretty much all around better than you? Need I remind thee that this is the asshole who will show up with the fancy, $75 chocolate pound cake (with collectible tin) from the trendy bakery where you can’t even afford a cake pop? And as a bonus? Her popular children will some day teach your kids all about blow jobs, so you wont have to! What if your sister-in-law is a different kind of asshole? Is she the kind who wont let her kids eat anything but organic sea kelp and apple cider vinegar? Only lets them play with wooden toys*, and allows them to crawl all over your furniture because “They are exploring their environment”? So what, if her preschoolers are smarter than you and your husband put together and will probably infect you all with Polio because they haven’t been fucking immunized! They make your kids seem like angels by comparison, not to mention cool as shit. This sister-in-law might even sterilize your home to make it “safe” for her family. Score!
Of course sisters-in-law are not the only family members with the potential for Asshole-itis. It could easily be your brother. The one who shows up in team colors, leads the family in saying grace so he can beg ‘The Lord’ to “Please just let us go to State this year, Pleeeease!” and he’ll promptly commandeer the den as the “Man Cave”. Or your other brother who wonders, “Is there somewhere I can spark this up?” Good news! These two charming lads will not only be glad to hook you up with a cold long-neck (or sneaky toke) to help you survive this festive occasion, they may even butter (or wind) your mom up enough to distract her from making judgmental, passive aggressive remarks toward you! Thanks Bro(s)!
Speaking of Mom; She may be a world-class Nit-Picker or Master of the ‘Insult in Compliments’ Clothing’, ( “I’ve always liked you with a little meat on your bones, dear.” ). But the good thing about this asshole is that no matter how many faults she finds with you, she really does love you (probably) and she will always have your back, especially when it comes to….
The Mother-In-Law. Maybe you still harbor a little resentment towards her for guilt tripping your Sugar Booger into saving cash whilst upholding the family tradition of honeymooning on Uncle Larry’s pig farm in Cousinlove, Kentucky. Maybe she treats you like The Wicked Witch of the West, ever since she found out you make her baby iron his own shirts. She is your complete opposite in every way and has no problem putting her two cents in, but no matter how awful she can be sometimes, this is the asshole who raised your SOULMATE! If that’s not something to be thankful for, I don’t know what is!
Surprisingly “The Dad’s” are generally quite useful at these types of soirees, By making inappropriate off-color jokes like, “CONDIMENT TRAY!? IS THAT WHERE YOU KEEP THE CONDOMS? heh heh heh” (true story). They give “The Moms”, someone to get angry at besides you! Although they are bound to make the obligatory nod to asshole-ism by dragging out the trusty old “Managing the Old Finances Lecture” or by wondering, yet again “When you plan to stop fooling around and find a real job”. They have always been willing to help out when they could, and just imagine how up in your business your mother would be if she didn’t have him to worry about!
And what would Thanksgiving be without The Grandparents, Great Aunts and Uncles? They insist on you saving every last solo cup, as well as the Cool Whip tubs and gently used sheets of aluminum foil. Maybe they just don’t understand that the terms “colored” and “oriental” are racist when used to describe people. They complain about the noise and everything they eat, “goes right through me.” Thanks to them,no smell on earth really brings the holidays to mind like the smell of the downstairs bathroom after one of the old folks sneaks off for “a try“. There are “Pumpkin Pie” candles and “Evergreen” potpourri, but where is the “Rhinoceros Exhibit Mingled With l’air Du Temps/Aqua Velva” holiday spray? Of course, they are sweet aren’t they? And pretty adorable to boot. Not only should you be thankful for these assholes, on Thanksgiving, you should treasure them every day, because believe me, you will miss them when they’re gone.
Other assholes you may find yourself sharing a turkey with this year, are the cousins who bring their own agenda (slide show of Bible Camp shenanigans? Instruments for a rousing rendition of Kumbaya?) The college student who now goes by Rainbow, smells like patchouli, is suddenly vegan and brought along a “friend” she met at the end-of-term Polyamorously Inclined Students Society (PISS) rally, who just sits at the table texting and casting annoyed glances at the assholes who belong there.The 13 year old nephew who shouts a lot because he can’t get enough of his newly changing voice, and keeps being a dick to the littler kids because they are the only people who believe in his nun-chuck skills.There’s the “too nice” brother-in-law who stands close, makes eye-contact and says your name a lot to make you feel special (but really just makes you feel like punching him right in the compassionate face) or the boyfriend who treats your sister like crap (actually, screw that asshole.), the creepy cousin who may or may not be an actual pervert, ” “The Hugger”, “The Mouth Breather”, “The Full Mouth Talker”, “The Hypochondriac” and the “Sorry-we-can’t-stay-long-because-our-other-better-family-is- waiting-ites”…There are just too many to name! But one thing I can say about all of these assholes, is that they will go home at the end of the day! Be thankful you only have to see them a few times a year!
Finally, even though your own kids and husband and pets are the most awesome people you will ever know, don’t be surprised if the holiday spirit brings out a previously unrecognized inner asshole even in them. In all the excitement, of course your cat will vomit play doh down the arm of the couch! And I can practically guarantee that If ever, one of your beautiful kids is going to push another kid off the shed, call their sibling a “motherfucker”, track dog shit through the living room, or get a Lego piece stuck in their nose, it WILL be while all those other assholes are around to witness it. Further more, your brilliant husband who always “gets” you without you having to say anything, will at some point turn to you and say, “I think it’s going really well, Honey, don’t you?” Asshole. But you know what? These are your assholes; the ones who make your life a life! Nobody needs to give you a list of reasons to be thankful for them! Least of all some asshole with a (spankin’ new) blog.
Happy Thanksgiving, to all MY assholes. I love you guys!
* DISCLAIMER: I’m not knocking wooden toys. I’m just saying, bring your own. The only wooden toys at my house are: A pack of chop sticks left over from “Crazy Wok Buffet”, a #2 Halloween pencil, a rake handle and a sheet of plywood that says, “
LEMINAID LEMONADE $6″ in Magic Marker. Also the following Alphabet blocks: B, C, F, J, N, R, S, and W.